Last night i found something out about myself. Apparently, i can’t read “i like you” signals. Basically, according to friends i have no idea when a girl is flirting with me. This happened last night in a local bar called the Hillhead Bookclub. I won’t bore you with details but supposedly there was a girl across the room who was “into it”, as Morgan so delicately put it. Morgan then proceeded to explain the rules and moves of flirting and how this girl was using all the same “tricks” as she herself would use when flirting with a guy. So for the remainder of the night i kept an eye on the “into it” girl and still couldn’t see any signs.
So Morgan and her sister Katie begin to elaborate.
1. M and K: “She’s looking at you all the time, looking you up and down. Suggestively. Oh yes, we mean suggestively”.
MY REPLY: “Yeah there were a few casual glances but if you’re in a pub you’re gonna catch eyes with lots of different people. I mean i happened to have a 4 second eye lock with the 6 foot 3 hairy barman at one point, doesn’t mean i’m fucking flirting with him does it?!”
2. M and K: “At the bar she stood as close as possible to you. Even though there was plenty room at the other end of the bar she made her way down to your end and stood RIGHT next to you, practically leaning on to you.”
MY REPLY: “Maybe she was just trying to get a look at a certain drink. They keep all the beers at one end and the wines at the other. And all the little fridges are littered with all sorts of different bottles of stuff. She was probably just seeing what they had.”
3. M and K: “She made a point of brushing past you on the way to the toilet just so she could say “oh, sorry”! There was more than enough space for her to get buy, she’s tiny!”
MY REPLY: “Maybe she was drunk (she’d need to be to flirt with me!) and staggered a bit and bumped into me. The poor girl’s probably embarassed about it. And anyway i brushed past the bouncer/doorman earlier. Does that mean that i wanna take him out for a drink and then go see Sex and the City together?! No, didn’t think so.”
4. M and K: “She kept giggling and making eye contact with you whilst talking to her friends. Then she bloody well half waved at you! How obvious can you get?!
MY REPLY: “First off, half waved? What the fuck is a half wave? Is that when you use two fingers? That’s called the V-sign. Seriously though, a lifting and gentle shaking of the hand isn’t a wave. Secondly, the fact that she was giggling to her friends is probably the opposite of flirting, she’s probably mocking me and done the “half wave” as a kind of “i feel sorry for you” gesture.”
5. M and K: “She got her phone out right next to you at the bar, RIGHT next to you, she was leaning forward so you would see it. That’s a massive hint. IE. She wants you to ask for her number or she wants yours. So obvious! I use that one all the time!”
MY REPLY: “She may have received a tx, phone call or may even have wished to peruse the internet for a suitable cocktail mix ” *I’m getting ridiculous at this point. Had way too many white russians*
So, anyways, the final result was that we left the bar around 11pm without myself or the “into it” girl having uttered a full sentence to each other. A few “oh, sorry”s and “hi”s and a few acknowledging nods of the head was all. Did i miss something? On the way to the taxi rank (we decided to go to the 13th Note) Morgan and Katie ran over all the above points again and stressed how i had missed out on the opportunity of a date.
Am i subconsciously not allowing myself to be flirted with for some strange reason? Is it a defence mechanism? Am i scared? Am i holding out for someone? Or am i genuinely not able to realise when a girl is flirting with me? Who knows, i certainly don’t. No wonder i haven’t had a girlfriend in two years.
Here’s a little bonus for Morgan, she goes away to America today. She’s over there for a year doing a teaching course. Basically she’ll be standing in on classes doing nothing! No, of course not. She’ll be doing her coursework whilst doing a part time job of helping out lecturers in a college in Boston, how cool is that?
We put this on the jukebox for Morgan last night…she thought the lyrics were perfect for the situation.
I’d just like to start off by noting that today is Saint Andrews day, for those who are unaware. He is the patron Saint of Scotland….and Greece, Ukraine, Russia and Romania nonetheless. But seeing as i’m Scottish i had planned on making a special Scottish artists themed Monday List. But i promised a moustache review last week so i’m sticking with that theme and i’ll get a Scottish artists post in before the end of the year, i’ll make sure it’s a big post too. That should more than make up for the delay in my promised Scottish themed post. As i’ve said many times before there is so much musical talent in this country, some heard and some unheard.
But on to this weeks list and a small review of my 5 days living with a moustache.
*NOTE* All entries on this weeks list will have their picture posted next to them. For facial hair comparison purposes more than anything else i suppose.
Before i begin the countdown i’ll clear something up for anyone who is offended by the exclusion of Freddie Mercury, i deliberately left him out because he is the King of Taches and would out-tache any contenders to the throne too easily.
At number one is the late Frank Zappa, known as much for his facial fuzz as his whacked out freaky jazz rock compositions. Number two is Spinal Tap and their bassist with the mostest Derek Smalls. Number three is the lanky gothic legend, the dapper devil himself, Nick Cave. Boogie-ing his way on in at number four is the actual Devil, Jess “The Devil” Hughes and his amazing ,sexual innuendo loving band the Eagles of Death Metal. At number five the psychedelic moustachioed Captain Beefheart. Number six? One of my favourite bands ever who just happen to contain the moustache sporting musical chameleon that is Jesse F Keeler. Sleazing they’re way in to number seven are The Teenagers (check out their remix of Mer Du Japon, it’s late night heaven), led by Quentin Delafon. Number eight are a band who at one point clearly got together and said lets ALL grow moustaches at the same time, The Beatles. Not their biggest fan but respect for the joint tache venture. Lagging in at number nine is Weezer and Rivers Cuomo’s “different” period he went through when he decided to spring a moustache upon us all. Finally at number 10 is the frankly baffling attempt by The Killers frontman Brandon Flowers to be taken seriously. “Hey, look i have a tache!” Ok Brandon i can see that but that doesn’t mean your band will ever have more than one good album. We all know what one it is, Hot Fuss of course. But the lead single from their second effort promised so much more than was actually delivered and for that reason we’ll include “When You Were Young” and Brandon at the tail end of the Tache Masters list.
And special bonus videos, one for the Tache King (ironically a video where he doesn’t have his famous moustache) and one dedicated to a Mr Moustache himself….
VIDEO: Nirvana – Mr Moustache
VIDEO: Queen – Crazy Little Thing Called Love
And a few bonus MP3s for you to download, believe me these 4 songs are ALL worth downloading. The song by Moustache of Insanity is probably the most random 1 minutes 6 seconds of lyrics you’ll ever hear. The song by Jean Moustache is just sheer sleazy French disco. Pat Cantins song My Lovely Moustache is a gathering of chilled beats and fuzzy mellow bleeps and synth crackles that bring to mind a very stoned version of a certain Richard D James. As for the last track well it’s worth downloading and listening to for the title alone, “Grow Your Own Fucking Moustache, Asshole” indeed. If i was to attempt to describe the song i would be swayed to say “An Angry Hairy Lipped Man Singing About How His Lip Caterpillar Is Better Than Yours”. Or we could just settle for “Orchestral/electronical indie masterpiece with moustache related threats”. Whichever you prefer. Just download all 4 and have your own little Moustache Related Music Session.
Moustache Of Insanity. Clearly the more insane one is in the green shirt.
SUNDAY the 22nd: I officially join the Movember club and shave myself a strange breed of moustache/beard. I head round to Andys to see if he’s kept his part of the agreement. He has. He has a handlebar. I’m relieved. I’m not alone in Tacheland. Me, Andy, Chris and Ewan have all agreed to sport our own forms of facial fuzz for this week.
A tache AND a pout!? What was i thinking?!
MONDAY the 23rd: My first day actually venturing outside my comfort zone with this thing on my face. As soon as i leave the house at 7am i feel the cold morning air stiffen my baldy chin, there’s usually a goatee of some sort there. It feels weird without it. I board the bus with my jacket pulled tightly over my mouth and lower part of my face before mumbling my required destination to the bus driver. He looks at me oddly and beckons me onboard. The rest of the journey is secure enough, the bus is pretty empty. I get to my work, take the expected YMCA jokes on the chin (pardon the pun) and open my toolbox.
TUESDAY the 24th: The morning is pretty much a repeat of the previous morning although this time a picture of Lemmy has been stuck to the side of my toolbox. My sister and niece come over to visit after work. My sister Lisa is adamant that she has to take pictures of this ghastly design on my face. She does so. 3 0r 4 times. I cringe in embarrassment for most until i get a picture taken with little Emily and even though i sport this ridiculous thing i can’t help but smile. The pictures from then on in are taken with me in funny/silly mode. Lisa insists she was only taking the pix so she could show Gary (my bro in law) but i know she showed all her friends! Revenge will be mine Lisa, be warned.
The "casual" handlebar and obligatory puzzled look
WEDNESDAY the 25th: I’ve now shaven off the Lemmy-esque side breezer bits of the mosutache beard and i’m down to an almost “normal” version of the handlebar. The journey to work somehow becomes even more awkward as i start to wonder why i’ve even bothered to do this. But an agreement is an agreement and i feel a bit less daft looking when Chris turns up at my place with his very own handlebar effort. I say effort because he’s tried to grow one but its a bit whispy and more like a set of whiskers than a moustache. But at least he’s kept his bumfluff effort unlike some! Andy shaved his off on the Sunday night, he basically only kept it on the Sunday to prove he’d done it then proceeded to shave it off later that night thinking i’d never know! Cheat. His flatmate Joe stuck him in.
THURSDAY the 26th: My last day of Tache Torture! I’ve shaved off the handlebar bit now and its just a plain old moustache. According to my mum and sister i now resemble an exact replica of my father as a 24 year old. I don’t know whats worse, the fact that they said that or the fact that my dad grew one of these disaster taches out of choice back in the day! Work today is a lot easier, Ewan has returned from holiday and is true to his word. He has a moustache! Some of the friendly abuse is now directed at him. I’m secretly grateful to my shaggy haired friend for sparing me another day as the works focal point of jokes. I’ll buy him a pint later but only on the agreement that its a Guinness and he has to take a huge gulp so he gets a Guinness moustache. I get home on the Thursday and relax knowing that when the morning comes i can finally rid myself of this multi-coloured thing living below my nose.
Words fail me. I can only apologise for any long term damage done to anyone by the viewing of this picture.
FRIDAY the 27th: i rise at 6am and head straight to the bathroom. Hot water, shaving foam, BRAND NEW RAZOR and within 2 minutes it’s gone! I’m free. No more awkward bus journeys, no more “Alright Freddy Mercury” cries in work, no more itchy lip and no more patter from a certain person saying “You actually quite suit that Johnny” in the hope that i’ll keep it. I’m not falling for that one, you know who you are!
I PROMISE I WILL NEVER GROW A MOUSTACHE AGAIN………….UNTIL NEXT MOVEMBER
This is a special Halloween mixtape, feel free to download it if you want. I threw it together this afternoon in the midst of a hangover. Apologies for the quality of the track “Dragula”. The bitrate was really low and i only realised halfway through the mix. I would have left the track out if i’d known but i recorded the mix all in one go and made the mistake of not checking the quality of the tracks first. Like i said i was hungover and it was a last minute thing. I just had a quick browse through some of my music files and took the songs i thought to be most apt for a Halloween mix.
Something Wicked This Way Comes Tracklist
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1. Intro
2. Queens of the Stone Age – Burn The Witch
3. Smashing Pumpkins – Ava Adore
4. Rob Zombie – Living Dead Girl
5. Eagles of Death Metal – Chase The Devil
6. Eighties Matchbox B-Line Disaster – Puppy Dog Snails
7. Pixies – Dead
8.Talking Heads – Psycho Killer
9. The Cramps – Human Fly
10. Screamin’ Jay Hawkins – I Put A Spell On You
11. Prodigy – Voodoo People
12. John Carpenter – Halloween Theme Tune
13. Michael Jackson – Thriller (Remix)
14. Zombie Nation – Forza (Fukkk Off Remix)
15. Zombie Nation – Kernkraft 400
16. Designer Drugs – Zombies!
17. Rob Zombie – Dragula (Hot Rod Herman Remix)
18. NiKiT – Sudden Death
19. Bobby Pickett – The Monster Mash
20. ToToM – Ghostbusters Theme vs Smashing Pumpkins vs Ram Jam
21. Max Romeo and The Upsetters – I Chase The Devil
22. Imogen Heap – Getting Scared
23. Aphex Twin – Come To Daddy (Intro only)
After last Mondays top 10 animal related song titles we move swiftly on this week to the top 10 band names with animal references. There was a lot to choose from and in the future i may make another list of animal influenced band names. Picking 10 was quite hard as there are a lot of bands i like that somehow seem to have animals in their names. But here we go….
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Someones In The Wolf 