Conter Fleurette

Last night i found something out about myself. Apparently, i can’t read “i like you” signals. Basically, according to friends i have no idea when a girl is flirting with me. This happened last night in a local bar called the Hillhead Bookclub. I won’t bore you with details but supposedly there was a girl across the room who was “into it”, as Morgan so delicately put it. Morgan then proceeded to explain the rules and moves of flirting and how this girl was using all the same “tricks” as she herself would use when flirting with a guy. So for the remainder of the night i kept an eye on the “into it” girl and still couldn’t see any signs.

MP3: Eagles of Death Metal – I Only Want You

So Morgan and her sister Katie begin to elaborate.

1. M and K: “She’s looking at you all the time, looking you up and down. Suggestively. Oh yes, we mean suggestively”.

MY REPLY:  “Yeah there were a few casual glances but if you’re in a pub you’re gonna catch eyes with lots of different people. I mean i happened to have a 4 second eye lock with the 6 foot 3 hairy barman at one point, doesn’t mean i’m fucking flirting with him does it?!”

2. M and K: “At the bar she stood as close as possible to you. Even though there was plenty room at the other end of the bar she made her way down to your end and stood RIGHT next to you, practically leaning on to you.”

MY REPLY: “Maybe she was just trying to get a look at a certain drink. They keep all the beers at one end and the wines at the other. And all the little fridges are littered with all sorts of different bottles of stuff. She was probably just seeing what they had.”

3. M and K: “She made a point of brushing past you on the way to the toilet just so she could say “oh, sorry”! There was more than enough space for her to get buy, she’s tiny!”

MY REPLY: “Maybe she was drunk (she’d need to be to flirt with me!) and staggered a bit and bumped into me. The poor girl’s probably embarassed about it. And anyway i brushed past the bouncer/doorman earlier. Does that mean that i wanna take him out for a drink and then go see Sex and the City together?! No, didn’t think so.”

4. M and K: “She kept giggling and making eye contact with you whilst talking to her friends. Then she bloody well half waved at you! How obvious can you get?!

MY REPLY: “First off, half waved? What the fuck is a half wave? Is that when you use two fingers? That’s called the V-sign. Seriously though, a lifting and gentle shaking of the hand isn’t a wave. Secondly, the fact that she was giggling to her friends is probably the opposite of flirting, she’s probably mocking me and done the “half wave” as a kind of “i feel sorry for you” gesture.”

5. M and K: “She got her phone out right next to you at the bar,  RIGHT next to you, she was leaning forward so you would see it. That’s a massive hint. IE. She wants you to ask for her number or she wants yours. So obvious! I use that one all the time!”

MY REPLY: “She may have received a tx, phone call or may even have wished to peruse the internet for a suitable cocktail mix ” *I’m getting ridiculous at this point. Had way too many white russians*

So, anyways, the final result was that we left the bar around 11pm without myself or the “into it” girl having uttered a full sentence to each other. A few “oh, sorry”s and “hi”s and a few acknowledging nods of the head was all. Did i miss something? On the way to the taxi rank (we decided to go to the 13th Note) Morgan and Katie  ran over all the above points again and stressed how i had missed out on the opportunity of a date.

MP3: Arab Strap – Don’t Ask Me To Dance

Am i subconsciously not allowing myself to be flirted with for some strange reason? Is it a defence mechanism? Am i scared? Am i holding out for someone? Or am i genuinely not able to realise when a girl is flirting with me? Who knows, i certainly don’t. No wonder i haven’t had a girlfriend in two years.

Here’s a little bonus for Morgan, she goes away to America today. She’s over there for a year doing a teaching course. Basically she’ll be standing in on classes doing nothing! No, of course not. She’ll be doing her coursework whilst doing a part time job of helping out lecturers in a college in Boston, how cool is that?

We put this on the jukebox for Morgan last night…she thought the lyrics were perfect for the situation.

“I Haven’t Been This Scared In A Long Time”

S.I.T Wolf X

ps. You’ll be fine Morgan 🙂

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