The fourth edition of “Are Friends Eclectic?” is a very special one indeed. I’ve managed to convince a certain guy to take time out from his hectic day and give us an insight into his musical tastes and whatever else takes his fancy.
Yes, that’s the real Santa right there. Yes he smokes. Yes, that’s a half coconut/pineapple concoction and cocktail in his right hand. Yes, he sticks a white beard over his “manly goatee” and no, the big red suit’s not at the dry cleaners. He’s dressing down this year.
SIT WOLF: Describe music in 5 or less words.
SANTA: Ho Ho Ho! Merry Christmas!
SIT WOLF: Nice start. Also, it isn’t Christmas yet.
SANTS: It’s always Christmas.
SIT WOLF: Ok, whatever, answer the question?
SANTA: Music in 5 words or less? Mistletoe and Wine.
SIT WOLF: What was the first album you bought?
SANTA: Usually i just steal albums off of all the naughty children. I’m experienced at handling packages now and can usually tell which ones are CD’s so if a certain kid has been bad and doesn’t deserve his Cliff Richard album then i’ll keep it all for myself or put it in Mrs Claus’ stocking as an extra.
SIT WOLF: So you’ve never bought one?
SANTA: I have bought one or two yes. The first one i bought was the single “I Wish It Could Be Christmas Everyday” by Wizzard. That was a while ago now.
SIT WOLF: What was the last album you bought?
SANTA: I purchased Low’s “Christmas EP” off of the mincePIEtunes website last week. I gave it to one of the elves who was getting a little too festive for my liking. It depressed him accordingly. I don’t like my workers to get too happy at Christmas. I run a tight ship through the months of November and December. It’s head down, arse up, all out work. The lazy bastards get the rest of the year off anyway.
SIT WOLF: What are your views on illegal downloading/file sharing?
SANTA: Well i can’t wrap up MP3’s so that’s a big fat bearded NO from me! Buy the CDs children!
SIT WOLF: What was your very first gig?
SANTA: Ah, i remember this fondly. It was in a small igloo in Lapland in 1916. Cliff Richard was only in his early twenties then, what show he put on.
SIT WOLF: What was your last gig?
SANTA: I was at Paul McCartneys gig in Liverpool on Monday night there (20th December). I was intent on keeping a low profile but i got a little carried away after a few brandy’s and couldn’t resist singing along to his Christmas songs. I had to make a swift exit before i got mobbed by fans. Luckily Rudolph is off the beer in preparation for the the big journey so when i paged him and asked him to pick me up he was there within 5 minutes.
SIT WOLF: What’s the next gig you’re going to?
SANTA: It’ll probably be next year. I think Sleigh Bells are touring Lapland next summer.
SIT WOLF: If you were stuck on a desert island and told that you could only listen to 3 albums over and over again for the rest of your life, what would they be?
SANTA: That’s an easy one. “A Santa Cause: A Punk Rock Christmas”, it’s various artists doing Christmas cover songs. “Christmas with Johnny Cash” is another favourite, his style of music blends so well with the Christmas spirit. The third one would be “Phil Spectors Christmas Album”. Full of classics that is.
SIT WOLF: What 3 songs are currently on constant rotation on your IPod/MP3 Player?
SANTA: “Santa Baby” by Kylie Minogue, it puts me in the mood to ravish Ms Claus….whilst thinking of Kylie of course. Don’t tell her that though.
SIT WOLF: She might be reading this. Do you have Wi-Fi in Lapland?
SANTA: She better not be reading this. She better be helping the rest of those little fuckers pack up my sleigh!
SIT WOLF: You’re a slave driver Santa, a slave driver!
SANTA: Please, call me Nick.
SIT WOLF: Ok, Nick, what other 2 songs are making you stroke your beard with delight?
SANTA: I love Dave Bazan’s voice so Pedro The Lions “I Heard The Bells On Christmas Day” is always a favourite. The last one is one i always play when i’ve dropped the last present off at the last house and my work is done. It’s a track by The Legendary Tiger Man called “Fuck Christmas, I Got The Blues”. Killer track.
SIT WOLF: What are your 3 favourite remixes?
SANTA: Anything off of the “A Mutated Christmas” by Corporal Blossom and the “I’m Dreaming Of A White Noise Christmas” mash up by 65daysofstatic. My favourite remix right now though has to be “Jingle Bells” remix by Dan The Automator.
SIT WOLF: What are your 3 favourite films?
SANTA: Oh there are so many! What are yours? I hope i’m in your favourites!
SIT WOLF: I’ll tell you mine if you tell me yours.
SANTA: Bad Santa makes me laugh so hard that the buttons on my jacket pop so that’s gotta be in there.
SIT WOLF: Are you sure they don’t just pop cos you’re a fat fuck?
SANTA: So would you be if you ate cookies at every house you went into!
SIT WOLF: Anyways, we’re not here to discuss your weight problems fatty. Another 2 films please.
SANTA: I’m festivally plump not fat! Other 2 favourites are Home Alone and Miracle on 35th Street.
SIT WOLF: You mean 34th Street?
SANTA: No, 35th. It was the sequel! Ahahahaha! What are your favourite festive films then?
SIT WOLF: Die Hard, Scrooged and Love Actually.
SANTA: Love Actually? Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!
SIT WOLF: What are your 3 favourite websites?
SANTA: I’ll say Illegal Art so that i can big up the aforementioned Corporal Blossom christmas album. My all time favourite website is www.northpole.com, it has everything you need to contact me! I also love my page on wikipedia. Can i put one in for Rudolph and his pals?
SIT WOLF: Go on then, since it’s Christmas.
SANTA: Thank you! It’s Reindeer Coffee.com. The best hot drinks in all the land!
SIT WOLF: What are your 3 favourite blogs?
SANTA: Oh i’m very clued up and tuned into the blogosphere. As soon as the laptop’s on the first blogs i check are always 365 Days of Christmas, Claus Chronicles and any blog that has good Christmas food recipes! I love my Christmas cooking!
SIT WOLF: What are your 3 favourite cover versions?
SANTA: I love Far’s take on “Do They Know It’s Christmas”, that little added bonus of Chino Moreno and other friends pushes it along nicely too. Sugarcult cover “Santa Claus Is Coming To Town” pretty well and….
SIT WOLF: Yes?
SANTA: Maybe Matt Cardle’s new Biffy Clyro cover?
SIT WOLF: Get your sack and leave!
SANTA: I jest i jest! The Enemy doing “Last Christmas” for the BBC Radio 1 Live Lounge a few years back was a nice touch.
SIT WOLF: What are your 3 favourite music videos?
SANTA: Mariah is pretty hot and has a great set…of eh……eyes, so i’d put her video for “All I Want For Christmas Is You” at number 1. Watching the Band Aid video always gets me in the mood too. Boy George does my tits in though. Well we’re on the subject of being annoyed, know what else rips my knitting? That new Coca Cola one with those fucking bastards Train in it! What was wrong with the old Coca Cola song and me and the side of a big lorry. They’ve went and ruined it by using those gleamy teethed All American do gooders. I’m not racist by the way.
SIT WOLF: Clearly not. A third video o’ bearded one? Once you’ve calmed down obviously. Here, have another shot of Christmas liquor.
SANTA: Thank you child, don’t mind if i do. Now that third video, it’ll need to be The Darkness “Christmas Time”. I like the cheekiness of it. Don’t Let The Bells End hahaha. Get it.
SIT WOLF: Yes, i get it for fuck sake. Moving on.
SIT WOLF: What are your 3 favourite TV shows?
SANTA: Father Ted solely because it’s Christmas Special kicks all other Christmas Specials arses! The Alan Partridge Christmas special was another favourite of mine. To add a little bit of crudeness i’ll say A Very Special Christmas With Beavis and Butthead.
SIT WOLF: Do you play an instrument? If so, which one?
SANTA: I practice throughout the year on everything and anything. My favourite is the harp. Even if it does get caught in my beard sometimes.
SIT WOLF: If you could make a Supergroup (5 members) that you’d love to hear who would be in it and what would their name be?
SANTA: The name would be very original…..Santa’s Little Helpers. I’d have Cliff Richard on lead vocals with Shane McGowan passed out on the floor next to him adding occasional vocal harmonies. Mr Blobby playing drums. Matt Cardle’s head and other limbs as the kick drum and drumsticks.
SIT WOLF: That’s two singers, one drum kit and a drummer. What about the actual music you’d need, the melodies? Or is it gonna be vocals and drums only?
SANTA: Gimme a minute here. I’ve got it! Bing Crosby on piano. There that’s 5.
SIT WOLF: Give me and the readers 3 bands that you think we might not know but we should check out?
SANTA: Santa Esmeralda, they’re a French-American disco group from the 70’s. Yes, we have Snow Disco parties. They’re amazing, you should come next year. Another would be The Reindeer Section, who are a Scottish supergroup consisting of members from Belle and Sebastian, Arab Strap, Idlewild and many more. Dark Elf is another one to check out. He’s one of my most musically minded workers. His music’s trancey, almost hypnotic. Perfect for the long nights.
SIT WOLF: What would your ideal gig be (3 bands)? And where would it be?
SANTA: It would be in the Antarctic and it would consist of Slade, proceeded by Elton John and finished off with East 17.
SIT WOLF: That’s a pretty shit gig.
SANTA: It’s only so i can hear the Christmas classics that they’re famous for live and in the flesh.
SIT WOLF: It’d be pretty hard to get East 17 together again. We’ll need to go pull Brian Harvey out from underneath hos own car first. We could always tie and rope to the end of your sleigh and try and tow/pill him out.
SANTA: I know what NOT too bring Brain this year for Christmas. Baked potatoes!
SIT WOLF: Who are your 3 favourite writers?
SANTA: Goes without saying really that Charles Dickens is one. The other two would need to be William Shakespeare and Ferrol Sam.
SIT WOLF: What are your 3 favourite books?
SANTA: Christmas Beginning by Anne Perry, A Plain and Simple Christmas by Amy Clipston and Christmas In Hell by Michael Lent.
SIT WOLF: What songs best encapsulate your moods?
A) Jackson 5 – Frosty The Snowman
B) Gary Jules – Mad World
C) The Mr T Experience – Merry Fuckin’ Christmas
D) Merle Haggard – If We Make It Through December
SIT WOLF: Who, in your opinion, are the 3 most attractive males in music?
SANTA: Cliff Richard, Roy Wood and Noddy Holder.
SIT WOLF: You baffle me.
SIT WOLF: Who, in your opinion, are the 3 most attractive females in music?
SANTA: Katy Perry (in the Ms Santa suit), Mariah Carey and Kylie Minogue.
SIT WOLF: What are your 3 favourite album covers?
SANTA: For sheer cringe value i’ll need to say Air Supplys “The Christmas Album”. For some “what the fuck?” value i’ll say Rudy Ray Moore with “This Ain’t No White Christmas” and my all time favourite album cover is James Browns “Funky Christmas”. The Godfather of Soul is the only man who makes the famed red and white hat look nearly as cool as i do.
SIT WOLF: What word best sums your musical tastes up?
SIT WOLF: Sounds about right.
WORD ASSOCIATION: SIT WOLF words in bold. If anybody doesn’t know how to play word association (which i’m sure everybody does but i’ll explain anyway) it basically involves someone saying a word and you instantly reply with the first word that comes to mind.
Ok, this time i’ve put a bit of a spin on the usual Word Assosciation game. It’s has a little more of a Christmas-sy feel to it.
ADVERT – Coke
BUFFET – Sprouts!
CAROLS – Out of tune
DECORATIONS – Stressful
EVE – Busy
FESTIVE – Drunk
GREETINGS – Cards
HO HO HO – Prostitutes
IGLOO – House
JOKES – Crackers
KNITWEAR – Bad jumpers
LANTERN – Dark
MISTLETOE – Kiss
NATIVITY – Play
ORNAMENTS – Snow globes
PRESENTS – Giving
QUEUES – Jumpable
REINDEER – Lazy
SANTA – Amazing, of course
TREE – Lights
URBAN LEGEND – Me!
VIXEN – The lazy one
WRAPPING PAPER – Effort
XMAS – Should be an illegal word, it’s Christmas! Not Crimbo, Xmas or any other abbreviation!
YULETIDE – Festival
ZEBRA (Apologies for lack of imagination!) – James The Christmas Zebra Game!
SIT WOLF: And that brings to an end our Christmas Eve interview. Thank you for taking time out of your no doubt busy schedule.
SANTA: It’s been a pleasure. I really must dash though. Rudolph and those other 8 lazy bastards are waiting outside, we’re in a rush, i need to get to the off licence before 10pm to pick up a carryout for the sleigh ride. Bye bye!
The Christmas conclusion…..
Merry Christmas Everyone,
S.I.T Wolf X