Sometime last December, i randomly came across an article in the local paper. It contained these facts about facial hair.
An average man has 25,000 whiskers on his face, and facial hair grows at a rate of approximately five to six inches a year. Whiskers? What am i? A fucking cat?
An average man will spend in excess of 3000 hours of his life in the act of shaving. This one really got to me, so by going a month without shaving it meant i gained back a good few of those hours!
Now, i had only shaved off my novelty moustache (the one i grew in aid of Movember) a few days before reading that particular article but decided there and then that i would make an attempt at growing a beard sometime in the upcoming New Year. “Beards are meant to make you look thoughtful, philosphocal, even cool apparently ” i thought. “I’ve got nothing to lose”.
But i didn’t want to have a big fuzzy face for the Christmas season, i mean if i was to turn up at Christmas parties and nights out dressed in my ripped jeans with my face covered in unkempt multi-coloured facial hair i’d probably end up giving off the impression that i was lost and looking for spare change. So i waited a while before finally having my last shave on the 29th of December. I tried to time it perfectly so that i could enjoy New Years Eve and the following weeks New Year celebrations (my family celebrate New Year right up until the 5th of January, we have a lot of relatives to get round) with just a few days stubble and then a weeks stubble at most, that way i would look just normally ugly in the family pictures instead of really hairy and ugly.
This was my beard at 2 weeks old, it got worse believe me.
So the weeks passed by and i grew to like my beard and genuinely thought about keeping it for longer than the sole month that i intended. But last night the 4 weeks were up and it came off.
The beard divided opinion amongst my friends and family. My mum hated it, i looked neanderthal apparently. She is the most relieved that it’s now gone. My sister Lisa liked it. To her it made me look intellectual. Something i’m pretty sure i’m not. She also said that it made me look like i was “..a member of Mogwai or something…”. It probably had something to do with the shirt i was wearing at the time, it was a checked/plaid effort. Either way the Mogwai comment made me smile. My dad also quite liked the beard. He told me it made me look like a younger version of him. That was one of the swaying factors when it came to shaving it off if i’m honest! Most of my other relatives didn’t recognise me at first when they came over recently, seriously, that’s fucked up. How can someone not recognise their nephew/cousin under a simple beard. In general my close friends liked the beard, there was the odd cry of “lumberjack!” or “oh, look out, here comes Grizzly Adams!” but nothing negative really.
Well, anyway, it’s gone now, shaven completely off last night.
So here’s to you, multi-coloured Beard. Born on the 29th of December 2009 and sadly fell down the sink on the 26th of January 2010. I’ll never forget you.
And here’s to a few beardy artists.
Take note of the “Do 50% of band members have a beard” part. So do beards make you cool? …….Really though..who gives a shit?
MP3: Fleet Foxes – Mykonos
MP3: TV on the Radio – Staring at the Sun
MP3: Aphex Twin – Girl Boy Song
MP3: Mastodon – Crack The Skye
?uestlove is easily the King of Beards
VIDEO: The Roots – Here I Come (Live)
VIDEO: Devendra Banhart – Carmensita
VIDEO: Bonnie Prince Billy – I See A Darkness (Live)
(a clean shaven) S.I.T Wolf X
PS. i promise this will be my last phase of experimenting with facial fuzz. There’ll be no more random moustaches and no more month old beards.